Hi! It’s been awhile. To be honest, I didn’t intend for my silence to last quite this long. What started as taking a bit of a breather from feeling burnout quickly had me realizing how necessary a full-on stop would be. Leading up to my hiatus I had been feeling increasingly uninspired, tired and discouraged with work and life and I was becoming desperate for a change that would renew my energy and spirit — but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fully understand my angst until I quieted the noise and really settled into figuring out how I got here.
So, first, a little backstory.
This past March I was attempting a DIY antiqued mirror, and in the middle of stripping a 20 individual mirrors, I was hit with a stomach bug and was the sickest I had been in years. With the help of Tyler I eventually got the mirror finished, but the whole process had been so unenjoyable and discouraging that my excitement over the whole thing was at zero once it was finished. Being completely honest, it took me awhile to be able to even look at that finished mirror and not feel nauseous. With the feeling of burnout quickly approaching, this project was definetely the straw that broke the camels back.
Really, I had likely been on a slow decline since 2021 and finally hit a wall earlier this year. 2020 was actually a pretty good year for me personally, with work and our family. We welcomed our third baby at the end of the year, which brought a new demand to life with three kids, remote work and trying to run a business. The following year we sent both kids to school, battled sickness for six months straight and only got one major project finished. The holidays were a struggle, and heading into 2022 I was pretty exhausted of the “try harder” attitude I had been using to push through my mental blocks. I put any house projects or creative endeavors on the back burner and mainly focused on client work and raising the kids. There were also a smattering of other personal and family challenges that were weighing on my mind, making it hard to show up on social media or have the space for creativity. Which brings us to 2023: I had spent the past two years feeling as though I was standing on a shifting foundation, not realizing at the time how multiple challenges and changes were affecting my spirit, mental well-being and creative energy. Being bed ridden in the middle of my mirror DIY was a gift in disguise because it forced me to fully stop and have the time to allow the fog to start to lift from my mind. After that ordeal, I decided to take a break from social and the blog to hopefully gain clarity and give myself the space and rest necessary to get to the root of my angst. Each part of my job has its own set of priorities, but as we all know, social media reigns as the demanding you-should-be-doing-more piece while also maintaining obscure, ever-changing expectations. So going full stop on my relationship to social media for a time was a big factor in allowing my mind the space it needed. Within a week or two I was feeling less anxious and definitely lighter. Although I wasn’t as overwhelmed, deeper feelings of unrest were still nagging at me, and I decided to maintain my silence until I had gained a better understanding of where I am and how I got here.
The following weeks and months yielded lots of personal reflection, revelations, conversations and changes. While I won’t go into all of the details of what came from this personal exploration, I do want to share a few things that greatly changed my thinking and that I plan to weave into my life moving forward. Personally, I want and need to understand my deepest issues to do my best in my relationships and in my work. And what I ended up discovering is there were (are) quite a few things in my life that either need re-evaluated or removed completely. I had been shouldering one thing after another for years without truly letting go of things that were no longer serving me or that I am ultimately not responsible for, and it be came more and more clear to me that this “habit” was weighting me down in most areas of my life. I think this will be an ongoing process for me as I determine my personal boundaries on determining what I let in — and what I let go of. I could see this clearly playing out in my work life as an entrepreneur and creative.
I also realized how some of my most ingrained inner thoughts were negatively affecting how I see myself as a business owner and the way I see myself relate to the world. Running a business and being an entrepreneur requires a significant amount of self reflection and personal development. When you decide to venture out and start something new, the stakes are high. Not just practically (financially, time commitments) but personally. You’re putting yourself out there hoping that the world responds with support and excitement for the work that you’re doing; it demands a significant amount of bravery. And once you overcome the fear of failure and gather your courage, it takes daily commitment and self-assurance that the work you’re doing is meaningful and necessary. And it’s in the daily grind that you need to know exactly why you’re doing the work, and why the practical, personal and emotional risks are worth it. But even when you have these big rocks in place, your personal shortcomings, dysfunction and traumas can really wreak havoc on the work you’re striving to accomplish. It’s not enough to just want something badly enough. I know that I need to daily confront my thinking and be honest with myself about what I feel, what I want and who I really am in order to accomplish the things I want most in life.
for years I have been searching for answers through a mess of weeds without realizing that to gain the clarity I need, I first have to pull out every unnecessary thing that has been obstructing my view.
It may sound silly, but I’ve come to realize how important it is to know who I really am. To not be afraid to look at the hard parts of myself. Not diluting myself when interacting the world. To have boundaries and clearly know where I stop and other people begin. And to not shoulder unnecessary burdens or wrongly placed expectations. I’ve decided that I’m going to focus on what I want for my life as a whole, rather than the short term. That I want to work for something tangible and profitable. That I’m going to be more honest about how much time I have and how — and who — I’m going to spend it with. For years I have been searching for answers through a mess of weeds without realizing that to gain the clarity I need, I first have to pull out every unnecessary thing that has been obstructing my view. And my view is slowly changing for the better as I remove what’s unwanted and cultivate what is meant to be nurtured.
This season of life has felt long but not without purpose. I’m grateful that for the better part of this year I’ve been able to continue client work, invest in my most cherished relationships and give myself a mental reprieve while going silent in other areas of my life. And I’m so excited that I’ve felt the pull back to this part of my work and life when I wasn’t entirely sure it had a place anymore. I am filled with renewed creative energy and motivation to push myself to try new things — and to share it with each of you. Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me in the past few months to check in, expressing your care for me and letting me know I am missed. Each message came at a time when I was needing to hear it most.
As I have been planning for my return, main aim is to be more honest and thoughtful. I hope this post has been illuminating to you in one way or another — even if just to show that there’s much more that goes into this work than thinking up a creative DIY or styling something just right.
Thanks for listening,
